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December 28, 2012

“You’re used to getting what you want, aren’t you?” you wrote.
And I had to take a minute to think.
“No.” I responded. “No, I’m used to being able to pursue something if I think it could be a good thing.”
Smooth, Callie. Truthful, in part, but too slick and too short to really answer the question.
Dodged that one.
“You think I’m a good thing?” you asked.
“I do,” I told you. That part was true but I didn’t tell you this:
I am used to getting what I want.
But not from you or anyone else in my life.

No, I am used to getting what I want from myself.
You see, I am, by nature an emotional sponge,
Sucking up and spewing out the emotions of the people around me.
I can easily become saturated, infatuated, obsessed,
Drenched and drowning, I need to squeeze myself dry and hopefully,usually there’s a dance floor nearby because that’s my favorite place to wring it all out.

Yes, I am used to getting what I want.
Because I’ve learned that in order for this little sponge to survive,
I need to control my intake, my outtake, my coiffures:
In with the good, out with the bad,
In with the happy, out with the sad,
Process, filter, process, filter – let go,
Release.
I AM SPONGE.

I try to keep my life clean, at least socially:
Drama-free livin’ right?
But this is, at least in my sponge world, kinda messy.
That whole “process, filter, process filter” thing?
It’s just not happening with you.
With my feelings for you, the idea of you, the sight of you –
I have lost control over those feelings, those ideas.
I am coloring outside the lines here
And I just can’t stop myself
And yeah – it’s messy.

You know, I call you a dictator.
But you’re not a dictator at all. You’re not.
I’m just used to being in control
Of that social and artistic process
Of trying to be good to and good for
Someone. For you.
Because that’s all I really want,
All I’ve ever wanted.

You know, you told me I had a choice in this:
You said I could walk away.
And I guess I can control that,
So I’m walking away.
Down the street
To that bus stop you told me about (the one with Boston)
Maybe the bus will stop by;
You let me know.

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